


gnossienne no. 1

by wisteria921



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Addiction, Ficlet, Scars, Self-Harm, edgy shit, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25278412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wisteria921/pseuds/wisteria921
Summary: When he first discovers his powers, his hemocraft, the thought of magic is as far from his mind as possible.
Kudos: 16





	gnossienne no. 1

**Author's Note:**

> ⚠️Phat trigger warning⚠️ This fic exists because I wanted to project onto one of my favorite characters whom I really vIbe with, sorry for being such an edgelord but that’s just me;)

When he first discovers his powers, his hemocraft, the thought of magic is as far from his mind as possible. He is empty, and there’s no reason not to follow the urge— he‘s nothing at this point, nobody— why not mess around a bit? It feels oddly good, somehow. His heart races, and his hands shake a little more than usual as the adrenaline pumps through his body. It feels great. He sighs in relief. His newfound skills are quite an attractive bonus, too, and he resolves to get to know them perfectly.

Over time, he makes this body his and becomes _somebody_. Mollymauk Tealeaf. He leaves behind all thought of his old self, whomever that might’ve been— it holds nothing for him now.

Now, it’s been over two years since he crawled out of the dirt.

Looking at him, seeing the vast collection of scars that run up and down his arms and torso, an average person wouldn’t ever guess that his skin was mostly smooth and unmarked a mere two years ago. 

Molly draws his own blood to fight beasts and win battles, and occasionally, there’s nothing else to it. But sometimes he runs his hands over his skin with a gleam in his eye, feels all the soft ridges and indentations that are by his creation, and he looks at the white and pink marks and the jagged fresh lines that are just starting to scab over. There’s something about playing with his own mortality that enthralls him. It’s his own world.

He’s not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that both blades and blood fascinate him. He’s not depressed or suicidal either, far from it, but there doesn’t have to be a reason for him to want to nick himself somewhere, draw in red all over; the feeling is always there. It’s an innate part of him, sometimes forgotten or on the back burner, but never gone. 

For the most part, he believes that the others don’t understand; they’re not like him, they couldn’t. A few times he’s caught one of them looking at him strangely, confused, probably from noticing fresh lacerations on him despite it being some time since their last fight or while watching him test out his scimitars. Once when he was rubbing oil into his scars, he got— was that a knowing look, or is it all in his head?— a second of weird eye contact from the party’s wizard. (That man is a whole different story though, and he intrigues him too, but Molly is not one to push for answers.) He feels no need to tell the rest of the Nein about the recreational properties of his self-mutilation, and they don’t ask many questions about it; he is a blood hunter, after all, and he knows what he’s doing. He loves it, he thinks.

Drugs are alright too, but they don’t come close to the rush he gets from his line of work, his oldest indulgence. Molly makes a reputation for himself that entails being excessive and hedonistic in everything he does. Of course this is no exception. They ache sometimes, the scars, but he doesn’t mind.

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, my intention was not to romanticize self-harm, just to vent. Someday I might write a part two about what happens when a certain somebody finally has a conversation with him about it (yeah I’m lowkey trash for widomauk shh) in the meantime, thanks for reading :)
> 
> Also I’m on episode 23 and I know what’s coming up and I’m absolutely not ready aaAAA


End file.
